Monday, March 16, 2015

A Most Pressing Question About Human Behavior

The whole reason I started this blog was to answer one important question. Something about human behavior has perplexed me forever, and continues to perplex me. I keep waiting for it to change, but it has not, so it's finally time for me to ask the question:

Why do humans feel it a privilege to be the first to board an airplane?  Why do we wait in line to be the first to sit in the most uncomfortable seats on the planet, mushed next to a person so close that we may need a paternity test soon after?

You know how it works: you are waiting at the gate, and the flight attendant announces that "WE are now boarding first class customers".


Right away, the non-first class customers (so by definition, I suppose second class citizens. The whole scene is like the reaping at The Hunger Games) stand up and get in line, waiting for their chance to get on the plane after the Elites and Ruling Class have had their chance to take their seats. Lines form, 40 people deep, which only lead to bigger lines down the habitrail tube. All so we can sit for 30 minutes extra before the plane even takes off.


Isn't the biggest complaint about flying being squished in those tiny chairs. Yet we feel it is a privilege to do this early?  What? Why!  Shouldn't it be a privilege to be the last to get on the plane? Aren't those who get on early making the flight an extra 20 to 40 minutes longer!?  Yet it happens. Long lines to be the first to get on.


And then you hear the announcement: "We are now boarding those with small children"


That makes even less sense. Let's let the 6 year olds, who really can't stay in their seats, get on early.


Well, I have been doing my best to defy this anti-logic. I aim to have the boarding gate hit me in the ass and have nobody behind me when I board.


But since we hear it is a privilege of those who paid for a first class ticket to get on first, perhaps it seems a privilege for us to get on early, too. To get there before someone next to us. All for the privilege of getting our prostrate checked by the person next to us.


I just don't understand it. Why make the flight a half hour longer?  


*You need more time to get settled?

Has there ever NOT been enough time? Isn't there that 15 minute period between when everybody is sitting and the plane starts to roll.

*You need space in the overhead bin?

Okay, that can make some sense. The space can fill up quickly. But, count the number of times that you were unable to squeeze the person's bag next to you into a smashed ball and then squeeze your own. If its over three, you can board early. If not, remember my voice in your head telling you to stop your insane behavior. Don't make a flight longer than it is. Don't be afraid of your freedom.

I am so glad to have gotten this off of my chest. I can stop blogging now. Not just because I finally spoke my truth, but since I reached another pinnacle.  My recent release MILK-BLOOD has been reviewed on one of the most popular horror blogs in the world: GINGER NUTS of HORROR

First class customers, check it out here:


Followed by those with small children.


2 comments:

Ty @tyruns.blogspot said...

I totally do this too. The ONLY time it makes sense to get on early is if you have a bag that you are dead set on getting into the overheads without having to gate check it or put it at your feet. Otherwise, I wait for last call. From the comfort of the terminal.

Eric Knight said...

It's like you read my mind. I've wondered this forever. Unless I'm flying Southwest, in which case getting on earlier can get me an aisle seat, I want to get on last. I want to be so last they slam my jacket in the jet door and I have to just dangle there for the whole flight.

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